so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
