I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
