I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
