if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
How external is "for external use only"?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
