True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
