yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
