It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just threw up on my dentist
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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