I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
