bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
