did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
worst night to have a conscience
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
