i don't like sucking hair
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
