Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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