i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize