sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
