im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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