We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
