He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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