So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
