why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think I just sharted jello shots
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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