I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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