so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
