I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
