I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
