Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
don't judge my taste in strippers
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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