wanna go halves on a baby?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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