i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
And then he peed in my hair
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