I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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