I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
