hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
