I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I fill condoms, not promises.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
