i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize