The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
