i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
