He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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