I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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