Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
