My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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