My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Drake has all the answers
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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