Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
