I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
