if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
