3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
