And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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