Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
