We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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