We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
