I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
