please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just want nice things and good sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
