hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
