$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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