Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You took a bar mat shot.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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