i think my mom watched the whole time
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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