I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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