Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
my poor anus
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
