I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize