I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
