I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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