why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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