I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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