thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
