WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
