Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
