You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
