They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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