Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
