woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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